It seems to be “common knowledge” that affairs are the refuge of the discontented, that only people in unhappy marriages cheat.
But “happy,” it turns out, is not necessarily an antidote to affair(s).
There are those who believe (or want to believe) that we currently live in an age of transparency – some believe so because of the instant transmission of information from anywhere in the world, some because of the CCTV cameras that seem to be on every street in the world, and others because they believe they are smarter than anyone from any generation that has gone before.
Uh, huh, uh, huh. And, that’s why every day cheaters from all over the world are being caught in their affairs, no matter how well they plan nor how covert they act.
Look at the way apparently regular people tell everything about themselves to a total stranger who just happens to have a television program. Look at the way all types and kinds of people expose themselves on the various social media outlets (Facebook, et al). Look at the way technology allows us to find out so-called secure personal information about anyone who is naïve enough to place that information on their computers and cell phones and who communicate via e-mail or texts or messages. If any of those people are engaged in affairs, they always seem to be surprised at being discovered.
Now, where would you have to live today and not be aware that any electronic device can be hacked and tracked? But, in the minds of those folks, it will never happen to them. Why? Hope springs eternal. Because they want to believe it won’t. They do those things because they want to.
There is a school of thought that suggests that “good” partners tell one another everything, that if I keep a secret it means that I do not love you. Frankly, if I choose to not tell you something it’s simply because I choose to keep certain private things private. It’s not all about you. If you can’t live with that then you should find someone else to give your heart to.
There are also those who believe that a totally open type of closeness prevents partners from cheating, from straying, from entering into affairs. To this, I say, “Horse pucky!”
If you really, really believe that your partner has to be your best friend, has to be the one person who will fulfill all your needs, well… good luck with that! There is nothing wrong with being friends with your lover, significant other, partner, spouse, but neither is there anything wrong with having a best friend to whom you can rant and share your thoughts with so that you’re not creating conflict with your bedmate.
Why is this important? Let me explain…
While I am NOT an expert on why people have affairs – and I do not believe any such expert exists – I have met with hundreds of cheaters and found there are as many (stated) reasons as there are cheaters. I have also been made aware that the popular belief is that people cheat because “something” is missing at home, that if you had what you needed at home you would never go looking elsewhere. Now, that may be, but I think that many cheaters do so because there is something missing in the cheater.
Let that sink in…
Many cheaters go looking for love in all the wrong places because of their own problems and not because of their partner’s problems. Maybe it’s more about wanting to leave the person we have become than it is about wanting to leave the person we are with. And, blaming others for your problem is definitely not a solution. It’s just blaming.
Here is how I operate: Mostly, I do things to help me not to hurt you. (Mostly), before I take action, I check whether I’m doing “it” to help me or to hurt someone else. If my plan passes that sniff test then others are welcome to feel as hurt as they want. After all, it’s their life, their choice… which has nothing to do with me.
Hmm… maybe those folks are just acting like codependents. Just sayin’.
Love is taking. Love is sharing. Love is learning things about each other. We should all learn about each other.
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