Assertiveness and Difficult People

“One who measures up to his own idea of greatness may have had a very low standard in mind.”

Learning to deal with Assertive and Difficult People in your daily life.

What Is Assertiveness?

What is the difference between being assertive and being aggressive? Will people think that I’m being pushy? These are common questions and concerns. Here are some pointers to help clarify what assertiveness is really all about.

Assertiveness is…
Assertiveness is expressing our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way. It means that we have respect both for yourself and for others. We are consciously working toward a “win-win” solution to problems. A win-win solution means that we are trying to make sure that both parties end up with their needs met to the greatest degree possible. An assertive person effectively influences, listens, and negotiates so that others choose to cooperate willingly.

Assertiveness is not…
Assertiveness is very different from aggressiveness. Aggressiveness involves expressing our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that is inappropriate and violates the rights of others. It can be either active or passive, but no matter which, it communicates an impression of disrespect. By being aggressive, we put our wants, needs, and rights
above those of others. We attempt to get our way by not allowing others a choice. Where assertiveness tried to find a win-win solution, aggressiveness strives for a win-lose solution: I’ll be the winner; you’ll be the loser.

Assertiveness is also different from non-assertiveness. Non-assertive behavior is passive and indirect. It permits others to violate our rights and shows a lack of respect for our own needs. It communicates a message of inferiority. It creates a lose-win situation because the non-assertive person has decided that his or her own needs are secondary and opts to be a victim.

An Assertive Person is not an Adversary

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication–that’s where you punch out someone you don’t agree with, right? Maybe not. Assertiveness is often confused with aggressiveness. There is a big difference between these two concepts, however. It is useful to think of a continuum (below) along which the whole range of human behavior lies. Some behavior is extremely passive (at one end of the continuum), some is extremely aggressive (at the other end), and some (assertive) lies somewhere in between:

passive<————>Assertive<————>AGGRESSIVE

The asterisks on each side of “Assertive” mark the approximate range of assertive behaviors–quite a bit of latitude before one acts either passively or aggressively. Most of us who are concerned with becoming more assertive feel like we are too passive; it is difficult to stand up for ourselves in situations in which it would be justified and appropriate. In fact, a definition of assertive communication might be, “the appropriate and honest expression of our views or feelings to another person, while respecting that person’s rights as well.” Being assertive does not mean stomping on another’s turf or toes – that is aggression. It does mean that we say and do what we need to, but not to gain revenge or hurt another person.

So what keeps us from communicating assertively, and what’s the problem if we don’t? Most people report that what makes it hard to be assertive is a fear of hurting another person’s feelings, and perhaps risking rejection by that person. Relying on what we think others think of us for our self-worth makes it hard to be assertive. And what about the costs of not being assertive – does it hurt?

What do you think?

Would you be reading this if you had not felt hurt or angry, whether at yourself or someone else, when you have not stood up for yourself?

Perhaps the worst consequence in the long run is that we may eventually feel we can’t be assertive if we don’t practice these skills. Our self- worth may dwindle to almost nothing, and we feel uncertain about tackling even the smallest challenge.

What can you do to start communicating more assertively? There are a couple of skills that you can practice that may help. One of these is called “I – language”. What this means is simple: When we have a reaction to something another person says or does, we let that person know how we are affected, using a phrase like, “I feel left out sometimes when we are in a group of people and you seem to ignore me.” And what if your roommate borrows something and returns it damaged or doesn’t return it at all: “I feel pretty angry that you forgot and left the gym without my basketball. I would appreciate your buying me another one.” All of this helps you know how you do feel at such times–the skill of recognizing feelings.

What if it takes you a day or two to figure out that you’re mad? It’s too late to say anything then, right? If it’s a year or two, maybe it’s too late. If it’s a shorter time, it’s okay to say, “Last week when you borrowed my Chemistry notes and lost a couple of pages, I was pretty mad. In fact I’m still upset.” If you think you can say something of this sort, but you aren’t sure you would know what to do then, it may help to schedule an appointment with a counselor to come up with some ideas. But one thing is certain: The skills of recognizing feelings and using I – language will help you to communicate more clearly and honestly if you practice them.

USE “I” MESSAGES

An “I” message is a good way to let people know what you are thinking. It is made up of three parts:

1. Behavior – what it is, exactly, that the other person has done or is doing
2. Effect – what is happening because of their behavior
3. Feelings – what effect does their behavior have on your feelings?

By using this kind of message, you are giving another person complete information, leaving no room for second guessing or doubt.

An example: “When you come late to the meeting (behavior) I feel angry (feelings) because we have to repeat information the rest of us heard (effect).”

This is much more productive and assertive than simply ignoring the problem or just expressing your anger or frustration.

CHOOSE ASSERTIVE WORDS CAREFULLY

Use factual descriptions instead of judgments

Compare the following:
“This is sloppy work.” (Aggressive)
“The pages in this report are out of order.” (Assertive)
Avoid exaggerations

Compare the following:
“You never are on time!” (Aggressive)
“You were 15 minutes late today. That’s the third time this week.” (Assertive)
Use “I” not “You”

Compare the following:
“You always interrupt my stories!” (Aggressive)
“I would like to tell my story without being interrupted.”(Assertive)
Express thoughts, feelings, and opinions reflecting ownership

Compare the following:
“He makes me angry.” (Denies ownership of feelings)
“I get angry when he breaks his promises.” (Assertive and owns feelings)

CHECK-UP

The following questions will help you to assess your assertiveness;

1.When you differ with someone you respect, are you able to speak up and share your own viewpoint?
2.Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests made by friends or co-workers?
3.Do you readily accept positive criticism and suggestion?
4.Do you ask for assistance when you need it?
5.Do you usually have confidence in your own judgment?
6.If someone else has a better solution, do you accept it easily?
7.Do you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct and honest way?
8.Do you try to work for a solution that, to the degree possible, benefits all parties?

A “yes” response indicates an assertive approach.

ACTION PLAN

Here are some communication techniques that can help you convey a positive assertive attitude:

1. Use suitable facial expressions, always maintaining good eye contact.
2. Keep your voice firm but pleasant.
3. Pay careful attention to your posture and gestures.
4. Listen…and let people know you have heard what they said.
5. Ask questions for clarification.
6. Look for a win-win approach to problem solving.

ANOTHER WAY TO DEFINE ASSERTIVENESS & WHAT IT IS

• It is a sense of fundamental equality of all. An awareness that I am as important, as any other person walking the earth. I am not more important than others and I am not less important than others. I am neither number 1 nor number 0.
• Assertiveness starts with an awareness of my inner experience. My thoughts, feelings, motivation, needs and wants as they are, without judgment. Most of us are so quick to recognize what we “should” want and need that we lose touch with our own inner experience.
• It is also a willingness to tune into other people’s experience and input without having to quickly arrive at conclusions and judgments about them or myself. I do this because I am aware that others are an important component of my life and experience.
• It is the knowledge that the intelligence I am endowed with is enough to assess situations and make decisions and I do not have to look at myself and the world through others’ eyes and brains.
• It is the ability to apply reason my experience in order to make responsible and fulfilling choice’s.
• It is a willingness to pursue what I want being fully aware that achievement is a function of many factors.
• It is flexibility of choice. Sometimes the most assertive response is a passive one. An assertive person is able to choose the response that is necessary and appropriate in the situation
• Assertiveness does not, mean lack of fear. It means tolerating fear and facing the situation. It also means tolerating uncertainty, hurt, disappointment and other unpleasant feelings.
• It is risk taking. It is not avoidance of truth. An assertive person knows that even though truth may hurt, sometimes hurt in the immediate, the avoidance of it is devastating in the long run.
• It is the acceptance that there are situations beyond my control and a confidence that, as long as I focus on those things that I can influence, most of my needs will be satisfied.

REMEMBER THIS …..

An Assertive Person is not an Adversary

Speaking up for oneself in an assertive manner sometimes brings to mind the image of two people warily circling each other, fists raised, prepared to strike. Each person wants to get his/her way. In fact, the most effective assertiveness is not adversarial at all. The most effective way of speaking up involves connecting with or joining in with the other person. Without engaging in connecting, a person may use perfect assertive language and still be deeply involved in a power struggle. Some people call this “positional bargaining.”

Imagine two people engaged in a tug of war. If they are equally strong, then neither of them will move as they pull against one another and both of them will grow very tired!
Getting into a power struggle uses up a lot of energy and generally does not go anywhere.

Believing that the relationship is the most important aspect in assertive behavior is the cornerstone of joining with another person. Connecting in the process of assertiveness involves three skills:

1. Expressing yourself with empathy
2. Looking for areas of agreement
3. Staying open to different options for mutual gain

Let’s look at each of the above points:

***Expressing yourself with empathy***

The following is a dictionary definition of empathy:
“the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also: the capacity for this”

If my friend and I are working on a project together and we reach a point at which we need to negotiate about putting outside of work hours on the project, I might say: “We both have so many responsibilities outside of work. I know it must be hard for you to imagine our working past regular hours with children as young as yours.”

The above statement represents my putting myself in the other person’s shoes. He or she will feel more understood when I am empathic with his/her situation The chances are higher that we will come to an agreement about how to manage the extra work when empathy is expressed between us.

Empathy implies a connection. When each of us is thinking about how the other feels, we are connecting to the other person and his/her life situation.

***Looking for areas of agreement***

We go farther in negotiation when we can determine what we agree on rather than get stuck in our disagreements. One way to discover areas of agreement is to listen well to the other person.

“It sounds like both of us agree that this is a high priority project.”

Another way to find areas of agreement is to ask defining questions:

“So do you agree with me that there is so much work here that we will have to find a way to do it outside of regular business hours?”

Every time you find an area of agreement, an added bonus happens. The other person feels more connected to you and then is more willing to work with you!

***Staying open to options for mutual gain***

If you can see the other person as a resource and see ways that you can each help the other get to his/her goals, then you have the beginning of a good team. You begin the process of determining mutual gain the minute this type of negotiation begins.

Brainstorming is the key to finding as many possible options for solving a problem. In brainstorming, each of you throws out ideas. Some may work and some may not be possible. The very act of brainstorming says that there are many options.

Once options are suggested, then the task is to sort out what options will lead to mutual gain. If you can join each other in this decision, then the negotiation has become a Win/Win situation and everyone goes away feeling good.

Leo Lionni wrote a children’s book called ‘Little Blue and Little Yellow.’ The book is the story of two colors, Little Blue and Little Yellow. When they each come out to play together, they discover that they play best when they are connected.

In the joining they are no longer Little Blue and Little Yellow. Instead, their connected part, the part where they are mutually blended is a whole new color: Green!

Happy asserting!

Dealing with Difficult People

Purpose:

1. Seek out the reasons for our interpersonal difficulties.
2. Have a framework for identifying the different roles that people assume when they are being ‘difficult’.
3. Be prepared with usable strategies and plans to address any difficult behavior that you may encounter.

Process – Discussion Style:

1. We review the twelve difficult behaviors that we are likely to encounter.
2. We place each of those twelve styles in the four communication style quadrants.
3. With a partner, we discuss our own reaction to each of those difficult behavioral styles.
4. We explore methods for dealing with each of the difficult behaviors.
5. Finally, we apply those strategies in some sales situation role-plays.

Payoff:

1. Improved relationships, both personally and professionally.
2. Broader perspective of interpersonal relationships.
3. Increased business success rate.

HOW TO HANDLE DIFFICULT PEOPLE

We think that only about 6 percent of people in the workplace are total jerks. Others who bother us are probably well-intentioned. It’s just their behavior that drives us crazy! You should be able to get along with them, if you take control of your own emotions and deal with their specific behaviors.

Often, it’s people who are the opposite of us who annoy us. However, people who have some of our weaknesses may also annoy us because they remind us of ourselves.

It’s very unlikely that you can take someone who is slow and thorough and turn them into a fast, shoot-from-the-hip type. Try to utilize people where their particular personality will perform well. Plus, work on your own flexibility and tolerance.

You have the most control over your own reactions and behavior, so use them to try to diffuse conflict before it happens. One way to build rapport with people comes from neurolinguistic programming. It involves “pacing” a difficult person. This means copying their body language, speech rate, and even breathing patterns. This projects a sense of agreement and harmony – as long as they are not consciously aware of it.

Here are some ideas for dealing with four types of difficult people:

BULLIES:

Don’t back down from bullies. Let them vent their anger, but don’t take it personally. Try to:

a) Look for the facts in what they say, aside from the emotion.

b) Explain the benefits of your point of view, and express your disagreement in factual terms. Make sure your facts are correct.

c) Allow the other party to save face. They may have a self-esteem problem.

MOANERS AND BLAMERS

If someone attempts to avoid taking responsibility:

a) Make sure the facts are clear, and point them out. Don’t respond if they are trying to blame you. And don’t sympathize if they are at fault.

b) Make a list of complaints from constant complainers. Get help from positive people to talk with them.

c) Ask how they are going to fix the problem. Many moaners really don’t want to fix the problem. They just want sympathy. But if you sympathize, you stay with the syndrome.

PROCRASTINATORS:

a) Document the goals and deadlines.

b) Ask how you can help them achieve the goals.

c) Follow up on intermediate deadlines and hold them to those deadlines.

GENERAL PROBLEM PEOPLE:

Many times your reactions to problem people can tell you more about yourself than about the other person! Here are some steps to take to analyze your own reactions:

a) Write down details of what annoys you.

b) Speculate about why it annoys you.

c) How does that person get you emotionally involved?

d) What is your typical response?

e) How would you like to respond? Develop a list of advantages of different responses.

f) Monitor yourself and give yourself positive feedback for not getting caught up in the emotions of difficult people.

DEALING WITH ENEMIES:

When someone attacks you, speak up and stand up for yourself.

Provide information to the person about how good your performance has been over time. Often, by confronting the problem directly, things become smoother. If you avoid the problem, it festers.

DEALING WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE:

Most people are not necessarily difficult to deal with, they are just different. Once the differences are made clear, adapting your communication style becomes a lot easier, stress is reduced, productivity increases and success is inevitable.

DESIRED OUTCOME:

1.To understand that people are usually different more than they are difficult
2.To learn how to communicate effectively with all types of people
3.To discover how to improve job performance by understanding how to adapt to others
4.To develop effective habits in handling difficult people with style
5.To control your nonverbal messages more effectively

The first thing about dealing with difficult people is realizing that they think it’s you!

The second is learning that you have many more options than you thought! The third is enjoying the challenge of dealing with even the really difficult ones!

To be successful at work and play, we need to be able to deal effectively with colleagues, customers, managers, junior employees, friends, family, officials, service providers, sales staff, administrators, people trying to influence us…

Dealing With Difficult People

Nasty Customers?

Boss on the Rampage?

Uncooperative Colleagues?

Upset Secretary?

At one time or another, everyone has to deal with irate, rude, impatient emotional or aggressive people in the workplace. This is the workshop for learning how to handle these stressful situations and how to defuse tensions calmly and with professionalism. The course outlines useful techniques that will help anyone, especially front-line staff, “keep cool under fire” in a wide variety of situations including:

Upset, angry, rude, abusive customers

Difficult co-workers

Whiners, complainers & bellyachers

Annoying subordinates

Demanding bosses

Abusive language or behaviour

Sarcasm, “The Silent Treatment,” gossip and tantrums

The thorough coverage of effective communication skills including:

Paraphrasing and feedback

Listening and speaking skills

Interpreting body language, and

Understanding different personality types

Learning how to deal with difficult people is a must for anyone in business.
What makes people “difficult”?

Usually, the difficult person is someone who is working from the negative side of their personality, rather than a conscious desire to be difficult. The person is often unaware of themselves and how they affect others. They also don’t realize how harmful their actions are to their own career success.

In the business world, we are constantly faced with trying to work with others who may challenge our ability to get things done.

There is great value to be gained when we take the time to try to understand another’s viewpoint. By changing our attitude toward them and changing our viewpoint about what makes them “wrong” we can find a wealth of knowledge to improve our own ability to work with people.

We draw on our experience to highlight these personality traits.

Symptom: They know it all, so don’t dare to question them

This is a well-recognized trait, especially prevalent in technical people. Many other professions share the trait. We see it often in computer programmers, software developers, engineers, doctors and attorneys.

Example: As a business user of computers, you may ask what you think is a simple question and get a response that is something like “how DARE you question me or my judgment.” Or, you make a suggestion and get a ton of excuses why that is not true, why it shouldn’t be done that way, why the person is an expert in their field, blah, blah, blah…

Eventually, you give up trying to work with them.

This symptom is a manifestation of Arrogance. Arrogance is a defense against vulnerability and insecurity, often learned in childhood when parents constantly criticize a child for not being good enough. The person is so afraid of being seen as unworthy or incompetent, that they immediately throw up a defensive shield against any possible attack. This defense protects them for a while, but everyone else sees that it is false.

In the end, they lose credibility — the thing they fear most.

The results of this defensiveness:

1.People refuse to deal with them
2.People don’t believe what they say
3.People think they really don’t know their job
4.They may be fired eventually because of their attitude.

TIPS

Tips for dealing with negative aspects in others:

1. When you see them go into attack mode or excess defensiveness, recognize that it is useless to argue with them.
2. Realize that the person is feeling very insecure at that time.
3. Don’t continue to push them because they will only get worse.
4. If the symptoms only seem to occur when the person is under stress, wait until another time to pursue the discussion.
5. If they are always overly defensive or always attacking others, you may need to find another person to work with who does not have the same problem.
6. Keep your own sense of self-confidence and don’t allow yourself to be verbally abused.
7. If the difficult person is your boss, reconsider whether it’s time to find a job elsewhere.

Tips for supervising people with negative aspects:

1. Help the person see how much their negative behavior is damaging their career potential.
2. Set goals for them to learn to work better with others and monitor their behavior until it improves.
3. If it does not improve within a reasonable time, send them packing.

Tips for overcoming negative aspects in yourself:

1. Learn to recognize when your defensive mechanisms come up. Realize that you are probably not really being attacked.
2. When you catch yourself feeling defensive, don’t react so quickly.
3. Learn how to listen when someone asks a question or makes a suggestion
4. Ask people to re-state their question/comment/suggestion.
5. Try to understand what others are saying by repeating back what you think you heard.
6. You may want to ask for more time to respond, then get back to them. This will give you time to work with the question/comment/suggestion without the pressure of being on the spot.
7. DO consider that other people have good ideas that are just as valid as yours.
8. Take courses or workshops in listening skills and team-building.
9. Find someone who can help you work on this negative aspect of yourself – a good friend, coworker, teacher or counselor.
10. If it is someone that you interact with regularly, ask them to let you know when you are being a jerk and call your attention to what you are doing.
11. That will help you learn to see what situations and events trigger your insecurity.
12. Recognize that changing learned patterns of insecurity and defensiveness may take years of work.
13. Don’t give up on yourself.
14. Learn to understand your own personality and your unique strengths and weaknesses.
15. The effort to improve your ability to get along with others will be rewarded as you find more career opportunities open up for you.

Difficult people are everywhere! You work with them and they work with you. But do you know why they are so difficult? They’ve had a lot of practice! Here’s the bad news and good news. The bad news is that difficult people waste your time, money and try your patience! The good news is that by using a few easy-to-master communication skills, you can minimize the negative impact difficult people have on you and your business, and increase their productivity-plus you’ll smile a lot more in the process!

And effective communication skills and laughs are just what you need when dealing with difficult people. Here are three strategies for dealing with difficult people:
1) Confront them gently;
2) Focus on the person’s behavior-not his or her personality, and
3) Tell them what you want and why you want it.

What is the advice for communicating with aggressive “steamrollers” who use bullying to get their way? Disagree, but don’t argue because if you get into a debate with them, you’ll probably lose. How can you get passive “wet blankets” and “know-it-alls” to be more productive? Ask for their input and commitment to action, follow-up closely on their progress, and praise even small steps. These slow-moving people need a little extra attention, but once they get going they can really produce results. And finally, what about dealing with those passive-aggressive “bushwhackers” who smile at you, but then stab you in the back when you turn around?

These folks are tough, but like dealing with other types of difficult people, don’t let them get away with their negative behavior. Keep your cool and tell them what you want (or don’t want) them to do. By confronting bushwhackers they’ll know that you’re onto their tricks and that you’re not going to let them undermine you or your efforts.

New Ways To Deal With Difficult People

Okay, which one of these lurks in your office? ‘The Whiner’, who complains about everything? Or maybe it’s the ‘Know-It-All’ holding forth in the coffee room. Maybe you have a ‘Tank’ ruthlessly rolling over everyone who stands in her way? We all have to deal with people who are less than lovable. Here are some ways to make it easier:

1. Don’t take their behavior or words personally. Chances are, they act the way they do with everyone. Taking their “slings and arrows” to heart only raises your defenses and can escalate a situation. Distance yourself from it by remembering that you’re not the only one that thinks they’re a _____________ (fill in the blank).

2. Accept that you’re helpless to change them. That in itself will provide some relief.

3. Speak up…carefully. It’s tempting to explode when someone is unloading on you, but hold your temper. Once you’ve identified what bothered you about the attack, address the values you feel were violated. Having the courage of your convictions will allow you to rise above the personal offense and handle the situation with more clarity and confidence.

4. Find other ways to blow off the emotional steam. If someone makes you want to scream–maybe you should. Allow yourself to get the anger out –privately – then let it go. Write the person a letter expressing all your rage, then burn or shred it. Pound a pillow (or yell into it). The point is to allow yourself a harmless outlet for the frustration.

5. Define your boundaries. Clearly, let the person know exactly what you will and will not tolerate and why. If they know your limits, they may not be as likely to test them.

6. Mix it up. If certain situations always seem to trigger the same annoying responses, change the environment. Have the meeting over lunch instead of in the boardroom. Drop by their office, rather than relying on a memo. Anything that can shake them out of their habitual patterns may result in a more pleasant response.

7. Kill them with kindness. The minute you react defensively, their aggression/annoyance level only increases. Absorb what they dish out (without letting it affect you) and you’ll disarm them.

8. Show them you understand. Let them know they’ve been heard: summarize what they’ve said and repeat it back; ask questions for clarification or giving meaningful looks (or sounds if you’re on the phone) to let them know you’re listening. Most of the time, that’s all a difficult person wants the sense that they’ve been heard and understood.
Symptoms

Do it my way, or else!!

This is another well-recognized trait that seems prevalent in people in management positions or positions of corporate power. No matter what anyone says or does, this person will force their ideas on everyone else. There can be no open discussion or involvement. Things MUST be done this person’s way or else.

Example: In a meeting, if someone offers a suggestion, this person will strongly make it clear that their suggestions are not wanted. If you try to make a point, this person will crush any attempts to deal rationally with the situation.

Eventually, everyone gives up trying to work with them.

This symptom is a negative aspect of Dominance: Dictatorship. This symptom is at it worst when the person’s primary role is Warrior or King. If they happen to also have Power mode combined with Dominance, people will FEEL as if someone punched them in the stomach when the person lets loose with their verbal abuse.

By the way, the positive side of Dominance is Leadership. When this person is relaxed and working from the positive side of their personality, they can be quite effective and charming. As with Arrogance, stress or insecurity may bring on the attack. It may seem to come without warning or you may be able to see the stress building up.

In the end, this person loses their ability to control events – the thing they fear most.

Many people operating from this negative position are fired publicly, causing them great humiliation and complete loss of control over events. Needless to say, those who have been subjected to their tyranny are joyous in celebrating their defeat.

The results of dictatorial people:

1. People will avoid them or refuse to deal with them
2. People will not tell them the truth or provide them with vital information that might help them make better decisions
3. People learn to ignore or discount their opinions or decisions
4. People will avoid implementing their ideas and subvert their authority (consciously or unconsciously)
5. They may be fired because of their bad decisions and poor leadership abilities.

Tips for Dealing with Others:

1. When you see them go into attack mode or excess defensiveness, recognize that it is useless to argue with them.
2. Realize that the person is feeling very insecure at that time.
3. Don’t continue to push them because they will only get worse.
4. If the symptoms only seem to occur when the person is under stress, wait until another time to pursue the discussion.
5. If they are always overly defensive or always attacking others, you may need to find another person to work with who does not have the same problem.
6. Keep your own sense of self-confidence and don’t allow yourself to be verbally abused.
7. If the difficult person is your boss, reconsider whether it’s time to find a job elsewhere.

Managing Difficult Employees

The human resources specialist is often called upon to wear many hats, some familiar, some not. One of the least pleasant tasks an HR specialist may confront is resolving conflict between individuals or groups at work.

This can be especially difficult when one person seems unwilling to yield an inch, perhaps a manager, and the “problem” then is sent to HR for “resolution.” It would be wonderful if all types of conflicts came with directions on how to solve them, but what do you do when there are no rules to guide you?

While all conflicts involve novel aspects, some general guidelines exist for dealing with difficult issues if you remember that every issue centers on people and their emotions, not just “the things” they’re upset over. And some individuals can be more difficult to deal with than others.

Keys To Dealing With Difficult People:

• Remain calm. Learning how to relax under pressure is of great help in achieving this goal.
• Take stock of the situation. Assess what role, if any, you may have played in the present difficulty.
• Acknowledge the role you may have played and apologize for any inconvenience or upset your role may have inadvertently caused others. It nearly always helps to apologize, even if you had no role in the difficulty at all.
• Ask what can be done to solve the problem and be ready to have a solution or two yourself.
• Wait until things have cooled off. You can’t have a rational problem-solving discussion with someone who’s out of control or angry any more than you can with someone who’s drunk or asleep.
• Frankly discuss the issues involved and be prepared to provide examples.
• Frame the issues in terms of contribution, not causation. Nobody’s behavior occurs in isolation and maybe something is contributing to the employee’s negative behavior. You can then illustrate how the employee’s behavior is contributing to the situation.
• Focus on solving problems, not placing blame. Blaming will only cause an individual to become defensive and, well, difficult.
• Invite solutions from your employee, but also have a solution or two to propose yourself. Be task-oriented, with clear structure, goals and timelines.
• Remind the employee, if appropriate, about the company Employee Assistance Plan availability.

The bottom line is in knowing ourselves and managing our own behavior. We are the only person over whose behavior we have almost total control and the first step in modifying others’ behavior toward us is in changing our behavior towards them.

This may not be a very satisfying state of affairs sometimes, but the bigger picture involves resolving conflict, not making the other person feel like a loser. After all, making someone else feel bad is easy. It’s making someone who already feels upset feel better that’s important in conflict resolution. You can’t work toward resolving conflict if you, yourself, feel bad about it.

Helping Yourself:

• Don’t take the difficulty personally. Everybody makes mistakes. The point is not so much in not making mistakes, although this is a worthy goal, but in resolving problems once they’ve been created. Nobody can be perfect, but everybody can learn to become a perfectly good problem solver.
• Identify the responsibility. In many cases, you may have done nothing to contribute to the difficulty and it’s really the other party who’s “dumping” their emotional baggage on you. The important point is to understand who’s responsible for what. If you did something wrong try to make amends, resolve not to make the same mistake twice and move on.
• Don’t be the responsibility police for others. If the other person is at fault, don’t go out of your way to point that out to them. It’s their job to manage their own lives and behavior, not your job. Ultimately, we’re all responsible for our own actions and unwanted help creates resentment.

Dealing with difficult people in the workplace is both trickier and easier than dealing with strangers or friends. On the one hand, you don’t have the emotional investment that you do with your family or friends (at least you might think twice about it). On the other hand, you don’t have the option of avoiding difficult people with whom you work the way you might be able to do with neighbors or strangers.

Dealing with difficult people might be easier once you realize that difficult people not only are hard on others, they’re also hard on themselves. In fact, you can pretty much tell how people feel about themselves by how they treat others. Are they surly and grumpy all the time they’re with you? That’s the way they likely are with themselves, too. Are they harsh and demanding, never saying a nice word to anyone?

Well, they probably never have a kind word for themselves, either.

The advantage to dealing with problems in the workplace is that you have the common goals of the objective, task-oriented aspects of the work that can be emphasized while de-emphasizing the emotional aspects of the work.

When should you refer an employee out to a professional?

• When the emotional aspects of the problems outweigh the objective aspects.
• When repeated problem-solving sessions appear to have no impact.
• When you suspect there is an underlying problem not directly related to the work environment. Remember that employees may experience depression, loss or anxiety or have a hidden learning disability or some other underlying condition and not be aware of it.