Extroverts and Introverts in Relationships

Extroverts and Introverts in Relationships – What are you?

The Extrovert

Let’s say that you are the life-of-the-party, an extroverted mid-20s woman who just loves being around people. This approach to life sustains you in many ways and you have many friends, and you do your best to connect with them on a regular basis; and you get together three or four times a month with the ones who live near to you. 

You share a spacious, well-located home with your significant other (S/O) of two years. You regularly host dinner parties, barbeques, and swim parties. Sounds idyllic, doesn’t it? Not so much.

There is a problem with your S/O: He or she is a high introvert. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! However, being an Introvert (s)he is not at all happy with so much company so much of the time. (S)he feels that you are “forcing” him/her to be social. (S)he also hates being dragged to social events because (s)he’s just not comfortable in social settings. 

Being a hard-charging Extrovert, you told S/O you thought (s)he should see a therapist for his/her “antisocial ways”, but (s)he just got angry and shut down… after accusing you of being overbearing, pushy and expecting too much from him/her. S/O exited the room and the discussion by further accusing you of trying to make him/her into you. 

Wow! Now that really hurt. Even if there was more than a little truth to it.

Oh, yeah – your friends think S/O is kind of weird and don’t understand how you two fit together, but you really complement each other well in a lot of ways. Your thinking is spinning and you’re afraid that this difference in personalities might be your undoing. 

The I and E Factor

Handling the extroversion/introversion combination is something that many couples face. There is an “opposites attract” dynamic that draws people together initially but if misunderstood can push them apart. 

In the early days of dating, the extrovert/introvert match can create a certain ease in the interaction; the Introvert can sit back, observe, and reflect on how he/she is experiencing the date while the Extrovert can process his/her experience of the date by talking, sharing, asking questions, and driving the conversation. After the first couple of dates, the Introvert can go home and quietly reflect and the Extrovert can go home and talk about the date with friends and family.

Everything moves along quite smoothly until casual dating turns into a more serious relationship. At this point, some of the challenges of the introversion/extroversion combination start to become clearer. And potentially problematic.

Most extroverts thrive on having a very active social life and would likely want their partner to be a part of that social life. But, most introverts thrive in a quieter environment with more solitude.

Extroverts tend to have a preference for, and gain energy, by engaging in an external world of people and things. Introverts tend to have a preference for, and gain energy by, engaging in an internal world of thoughts and ideas. It’s important for Introverts and Extroverts to understand this concept because it can help both of them avoid taking their differences personally. Absent this understanding, the Introvert might feel controlled and scheduled by the Extrovert’s attempts to include him/her in their social life, and the Extrovert might feel rejected by the Introvert’s hesitation. Another benefit of fully understanding this concept lies in the word “preference” because neither of them is dealing with an inability, and that means they can both compromise. For example, when gatherings occur, the Introvert can be there for an hour or two before slipping out and later returning when the gathering is over. There can also be an agreed-upon limit on the frequency or duration of the gatherings.

Open and honest communication is the key here and requires a deeper understanding of where each are coming from and the role that “preferences” toward introversion and extroversion are playing. With that in mind, it will be easier to be able to come up with some compromises that feel agreeable. Working through this process together may even improve and deepen the relationship. 

If you are in this type of “mixed” relationship and are having trouble getting through these conversations on your own, please download our Dynamic Discovery e-book and its companion workbook or contact us for more information or to schedule an appointment.